Share My Heart, Show My God.

 There have been so many changes in my life since I last wrote on this blog - it's been almost 10 years now. The last two years have been horrendous for my family as my oldest son was diagnosed with stage 4 mesothelioma. I know that from the start of this diagnosis, God has been there, holding me, and speaking to my heart over and over. A lot of those times I didn't want to hear what He had to say because I was so angry and full of myself. But our God is so patient, and He is a peacegiver and through this whole thing, He is working mightily. I could not list all the ways God has blessed me and been with me through this journey with my son and his family.

And my son, Dan? He finished so well. I am so proud of him and I miss him everyday. He was man of love and family and goofiness.

And not in that order. 😉 (I think its  a hoot that this pic would not insert "correctly") 

It took us a while to get pregnant with Dan after my miscarriage. And then when he was born, he was born with a heart defect, congenital heart disease, and needed emergency heart surgery at 3 months. At that time they fixed his heart and it has been working defectively until the day he died. It was ar that time I learned how to leave Dan (or anything really) with God. Under the cross. "Let him go", my pastor said. I have been doing that for over 45 years, not just with Dan but with all my children, with my marriage, with my grandchildren, etc. All of it.

Is it easy? Nope. But it's the only option, at least for me. I can't fix it. But I know the guy who can. He's going to fix it His own way though, and I had to be okay with that. Needless to say, regarding Dan's cancer, it took me a while to be okay and I still don't know if I am, if you know what I mean. Please know my grief is still raw. And it might be for a long time. But my God? He is good, He is able and He is right by my side.

My heart has seen the goodness of God in the land of the living. My sister suggested that I focus on a scripture weekly and I started doing that right after Dan was diagnosed. Like the 23rd psalm. I can't tell you how many times I've had to recite just the first versus so that I would calm down. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pasture, He leads me besides the still water, He restores my soul." I shut my eyes and I see the calm water and I know that God is with me right there - right then in my heartache.

Psalm 62 says my soul finds rest in God alone - my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

These are just a few that I have used over these months. Besides finding scripture myself, I have had that random phone call or text or card. Or a song on the radio or a nephew or niece hugging me or holding my hand when I needed it the most. These are ways our God meets needs. He knows exactly what is needed.

The purpose of this blog is to share my heart and show my God. I hope you join me on this journey of hope - the only real hope there is. May our hearts see that God is with us, He is our only hope, and there is no one like Him. 🫶